The Phrases given by My Parent Which Rescued Me when I became a Brand-New Dad
"In my view I was simply in survival mode for the first year."
Former Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of becoming a dad.
However the truth quickly became "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.
Severe health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver while also taking care of their infant son Leo.
"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.
After 11 months he became exhausted. That was when a chat with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.
The direct words "You're not in a healthy space. You need support. How can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and find a way back.
His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although the public is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties dads face.
Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance
Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a wider inability to communicate among men, who still absorb harmful perceptions of masculinity.
Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."
"It is not a show of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he clarifies.
Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling.
They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially in preference to a new mother and infant - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the unit.
Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to ask for a pause - spending a couple of days away, outside of the home environment, to see things clearly.
He realised he required a change to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of looking after a newborn.
When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.
'Parenting yourself
That insight has transformed how Ryan views parenthood.
He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he matures.
Ryan thinks these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.
The concept of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.
When he was young Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.
Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as escapism from the pain.
"You find your way to behaviours that don't help," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."
Strategies for Getting By as a First-Time Parent
- Share with someone - when you are overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
- Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that made you feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
- Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, resting, all are important in how your emotional health is doing.
- Meet other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
- Remember that asking for help does not mean you've failed - prioritising your own well-being is the optimal method you can care for your loved ones.
When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having been out of touch with him for years.
Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional support he lacked.
When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way.
Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men since they faced their struggles, altered how they communicate, and figured out how to control themselves for their kids.
"I have improved at… sitting with things and managing things," states Stephen.
"I wrote that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I expressed, at times I believe my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."